Days are becoming more difficult to cope with.
Fake people everywhere.
Constantly battling with my own mind.
Are they conspiring against me?
Could they be?
Or is my mind just telling me so?
Some actions seem pure.
Then others contradict them.
Do they care?
Do they not?
If I left tomorrow, how would they feel?
Dare we test it to find out?
It’s hardest when I can’t sleep.
My mind wanders too far.
I start to think about you.
I try my best to stop it.
But I can’t help but wonder how you are.
I don’t care.
I really don’t.
I guess it’s partially just a reflex motion.
You were a part of me for such a long time.
Now there’s just a missing side.
It’s really time I forgot you.
Just like you forgot me.
I’m sorry I was never enough.
I’m sorry I lost my temper at times.
I’m sorry if I ever made you feel small.
I’m sorry I loved you more than I loved myself.
I’m sorry I made you a better person.
I’m sorry I could never give you what you wanted.
But believe me when I say, I really did try my best.
I gave you my everything.
But it was never enough.
I’ve been pondering lately.
Often deep in thought.
How relationships with others can really screw you up in the head.
I don’t just mean romantic ones.
You never really know what you mean to someone.
You never really know if what they say is true.
Sometimes you find yourself wondering, do they really care?
Or is it just a ruse to keep you at their heel?
But you can never truly know.
So you have to just keep waiting until the answer becomes evident.
But sometimes the devil disguises itself as your friends.
I sit here alone.
A million thoughts racing in my head.
Silly little things that trigger a specific memory.
Memories of you.
Moments of pure happiness.
When you loved me.
Then suddenly I remember the hurt.
And it still feels so fresh.
Like an open bleeding wound.
But you’re fine.
And i’m still here bleeding.
Why can’t I stop the bleeding?
They were lonely souls when they met.
Outcasts to society.
Nobody really understood them.
But they understood each other instantly.
And slowly something quite beautiful was born.
Trust was shared between the two.
Stories and secrets with no fear of judgement.
Laughter became the soundtrack to their relationship.
They each knew that if no one else, they could always depend on one another.
Have you ever really thought about what makes up a personality?
Its something my mind crosses over often.
We as people like to think we’re unique.
One of a kind.
But when you really think about it, every piece is implanted into you by someone, or something else.
Your most said phrase, you most likely didn’t come up with it yourself.
But you heard it, and you liked it, so it stuck.
That silly voice you mimic, you heard it in a tv show.
We are all just built up of other things, or other people.
Which as a whole, may make us unique.
But in reality when you strip it down.
We’re all just copies of each other, with a different name and a different background.
I feel it.
Don’t think I don’t notice the game you’re playing.
You don’t want this.
We both know that for sure.
Because once you release me, it won’t be as easy to reel me back in again.
I won’t be waiting around forever for you.
It’s a real shame that I’m all talk though.
And you know full well I am.
You know I’d do anything for you.
Anything to please you.
I guess that’s part of the fun for you, though.
You say jump, I ask how high.
So, how high?
Or which cliff would be best to jump from?
I feel it creeping back.
I thought it had finally left.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
The persistent fatigue.
The constant paranoia.
The unrelenting fear.
The vexatious voices in my head.
They just feed at what I already know.
I’m not good enough.
I’ll never be good enough.
Suddenly something has changed.
Little things I didn’t like before are somehow strangely comforting.
Like the rain hitting my window.
Or the smell of wet grass.
Even the sound of cars as they drive by.
Now I seem to notice the birds singing in the morning.
And the days feel less exhausting.
The stars at night seem brighter.
I fall asleep with a smile on my face.
I wake up and no longer wish that I hadn’t.
I find myself smiling, just recollecting silly moments in my head.
The lows seem to be less frequent.
The highs feel more rewarding.
It all seems to be at ease for now.